


DOB&TBS

by vns0198



Category: Dylan O'Brien - Fandom, Gladers - Fandom, The Maze Runner (Movies), The Maze Runner Series - James Dashner, Thomas Brodie Sangster - Fandom, dylmas, newmas - Fandom, newtmas - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Boys In Love, Canon Disabled Character, Depressed Newt, Depressed Thomas, Depression, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship/Love, Gay, Headcanon, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Light Angst, Love Poems, Love at First Sight, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Disintegration, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Not Happy, Page 250, Please Kill Me, Poetic, Poetry, Prose Poem, References to Depression, Sad, Sad Ending, True Love, WICKED | WCKD (World In Catastrophe: Killzone Experiment Department)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-12-26
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-09 10:25:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5536367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vns0198/pseuds/vns0198
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Writing about Dylmas and Newmas. Very sad, very angsty, very lovey.</p>
<p>Each chapter is titled as the person who wrote it. Each chapter is written for the other to read. </p>
<p>A collection of intertwined letters concerning Tommy and Newt and/or Dylan and Thomas.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. From Tommy

I'd rather cut my own flesh than anyone else lay a finger on yours.

 

I'd rather bleed out into this godless night than have your heart be broken.

 

I'd rather go blind than have to never see your face.

 

I will put you before myself even though your life is behind me.

 

I only wish you had felt me falling.

Falling in love, falling for you.

Falling after you, falling for you.

 

I only wish you were here now.

To fall into me.

 

My heart is yours.


	2. From Newt

I never wanted love as it was portrayed to me.

The roses and tears, the romance and fears...

I wanted none of it, Tommy.

You've shown me another side of love.

What it means to truly adore.

It's excitement in the most casual times and trepidation in the most secure of spaces.

I have a friend in you where I see my lover.

I've grown to adapt, Thomas. Changing myself and my mind rapidly to survive. It's all I knew and I had to do it. The Maze was breaking me - I'm not sure you understand. I'm not sure I know how to say it.

But feeling your breath on my skin slows my mind better than drugs ever could, quiets my soul better than jumping ever did.

There is a comfort in finding your reliable brown eyes across the Glade. A comfort I had convinced myself I didn't need and couldn't have.

Even when I'm stuck in my head, your curious eyes are there, searching for me through the fog.

I've opened my heart to you. Greenie, you were just what I needed.

I continue to find myself the longer I am with you.

I feel it flare in my chest and churn in my mind.

I want you here by me.

Say you love me... please, Tommy, please.


	3. From Thomas

What are you trying to do to me.

It's two o'clock in the fucking morning, Dyl. We had a lads night out and after the pub, you said I should stay over at yours. It's a pretty shit hotel, to be honest. I offered my place, but you said you didn't want to 'get in the way of me and Bella'. You wouldn't've, of course. But you insisted, so now this is where you'll be living for the next week - you never cared about the quality of where you were, as long as it served its purpose. So we're in the cab, on our way to your "place". We're both hammered, shit faced, totally smashed.

We have a great relationship. Our girlfriends know about our bromance, thinking it's sweet of us. But I know Bella can get a little jealous when I tell her I'm going out to see you. I do spend a lot of time with you, to be fair. I don't restrict Belle seeing her friends, so she can't restrict me from seeing mine. "It's only a little tiff, nothing to worry about, Dyl", I say. I say this a lot. Every once in while you convince yourself that you're the driving wedge between Belle and I. But we're fine.

You never talk to me about Britt unless she's with us. 

Our fans see it just as much as we do. The little crackles of electricty between us, the easy banter and bloody long stares. We're great mates, I'll say that much. I feel at home around you, and enjoy whatever I'm doing when you're there with me.

We both always found it odd that crews never paired us together for couple interviews like they do with you and Kaya. Or Ki and I. Lord knows the cast ships our characters just as much as the rest do.

There has always been a "What If". When we meet, the tension is always there. When apart, we both think about it. I know, because you told me so. It was after I left your hotel, later that morning. That I wanted to tell you I -

It's nothing major. In fact, if we were girls, the world wouldn't think any differently. They wouldn't take careful note of how our eyes shine when together as compared to how they widen when seeing Bella or Britt. Or how you sometimes grab my hand while walking, spinning me around to face you, while you whisper a dirty joke in my ear before a press circuit, trying to get me to crack. Or how you took me to work and showed me off to all your cast mates. If we were girls, this wouldn't even be a discussion.

By now it's half past three and when I tell you so, you look at my lips and tell me how interesting it is to see them move around. Figured you were talking nonsense - we were absolutely trashed. My drunk laugh came bubbling out and my eyes cracked at the edges while I respoke in slo-mo, "Dyllllllannnn, it'ssss haaaaalf passsstt thhhreeeeeee!" My tongue lingered near my lips. You leaned closer and laughed softly. "Why do I want you, Tom?" is the first question you don't remember asking.

"Well I don't know, Dylan, I haven't felt like this about any fucking guy before!" It's five a.m. and I'm raising my voice, surely upsetting the lovesick, grimy couples next door. This isn't the first time we've had this one sided screaming match. You never raise your voice to me. Ever.

Usually when this comes up, we're not in your room alone and we are most certainly not wasted. Usually we're on set, walking quickly from our trailers, sober and equally confused and disgusted with our own behavior.

Other times, the entire conversation is held in one stare. On those days, I take my motorcycle and zoom off set, needing to be alone. The cast thinks that's cool, but you really know.

It makes me mad, Dyl, it does. It makes me sick. When I'm with Bella, I want to marry the girl. She completes me, I want to care for her the rest of my life. I know exactly how you feel with Britt. But Dyl, when I'm with you... When it's only me and you, I can't help but wonder "What If". I can't help but love you, too.

I'm mixed up, it's Tuesday. I spat at you in that dark bedroom at the hotel two days ago. This morning we went out to South London to catch a show and go out for a bite. You're wearing my shirt I left at your place the last time I visited you in the States. My mind wanders.

We both feel the guilt from what we do. Ironically, it's our girlfriends that can ease that burden. Maybe it makes us forget that we feel anything for anyone else, I don't know. Sometimes when I'm talking out loud to you about all this, you just shake your head, silencing me. You say you only want to think about me now. "Not her," lowering your voice, "not now... Don't ruin this, Tommy."

The farthest we've gone is nothing to be awed at. So we kissed a couple times. All best friends have done that once or so, to see what it was like, right? All I know is I love how your hands frame my face and push back my hair, and you love to get lost in my tongue. There's not even another shade of lipstick on me, there's absolutely no way to tell.

I'm paranoid they'll find out, you think everyone knows.

I want to talk it over, you refuse to even think about it.

At the awards show, you blush deeply when you see me in my suit. Excusing yourself to use the bathroom, I realize you're not that different from me. Much later, you tell me why you had to be excused, in soft lights and black tones.

I remember the last thing I said to you, before hailing a cab at seven o'clock in the fucking morning.

"I have one too, Dyl, why don't you tell me what that means?"


	4. From Tommy

I've never been good with words, Newt.   
You know that. 

I don't know how to start this, so I'm just going to write as if I was talking to you.   
Yeah, like you were sitting with me. Okay, good.

I'm sorry.   
I'm sorry that I don't listen, that I say too much, that I can't follow through, that I let you down.   
I'm sorry that I'm so shucking stupid. I know, all I do is ask questions and act out.   
And it seems like everything I do just messes things up further.   
I'm sorry. 

I wish you would tell me more.   
I never have any clue what's going on in your head.  
So how am I supposed to help you?  
Like when you gave me that goddamn note?? How was I supposed to know when to read it??  
Was I supposed to read your goddamn mind, is that it? Newt, we were getting out of there, we were trying to make it.  
I am still shucking angry with you for that. Why didn't you just talk to me??   
I would have listened if you told me.   
I would've listened for you.  
I would have listened to you.

I guess I'm still so pissed because I know I let you down.   
Because I could have done better for you. 

See the thing is, I'm fucking hurt.   
I am angry because I'm a fuckup.  
I am angry because I still feel like I could have done more, done better.  
I am constantly disappointed and frustrated because I will NEVER be able to get over you.   
I am always ashamed of what I've done. 

And you know what else??  
You're the slinthead.  
How could you even ASK me something like that?  
How could you not even talk to me, and... and... DEMAND I do something as horrid as that??  
Did you not realize how much that would hurt me?  
Because I not only had to pull the goddamn trigger, but I had to keep it a fucking secret from everyone we love.   
I have to walk around every fucking day like I'm just "Thomas, the annoying clueless kid" without a care in the goddamn world.  
I have to live with this.   
You don't.

When I look at myself, I see a mistake.  
I see a goddamn mistake. 

And Newt, when I see you, I feel even worse.   
Because you're fucking dead.   
And I fucking killed you. 

What hurts the most is how it happened.   
Did you know you never even said goodbye?


End file.
